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Pastafarian
Pastafarianism, the more common name for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, is a religion whose followers believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. Beliefs Pastafarians include those privilaged to have received the Universal Truth that pirates are Ideal Beings. Beings whose name was ruined by the Catholic church in the 1800's as a response to jealousy of Martin Luther's male followers who were allowed to have sex with females. Pastafarians acknowlege that Pirates, in fact, gave out candy to small children for altruistic reasons; and, as a repercussion to their demise over the last few centuries, the karmatic fury that is global warming will continue to plant seeds of intelligent design in the minds of men with small penises. Though this philosopy is not to be confused with Absolute Truthiness, it is a possibility not often enough ruled out. For example, it is recommended to research anomolies such as OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony to fully understand the potential this philosophic religion brings. Upon the Kansas School Board's decision to solely teach intellegant design as science in public schools, the unveiling of the Flying Spaghetti Monstor to the public eye was necessitated and an Open Letter to the Kansas School Board was penned, whilst the Chosen Ones were under the influence of Devine Carbohydrates. The Pastafarian ties with research at CERN shoud not be discounted as bridging the gap between Newtonian and Relative physics, as this is what initially brought the Flying Spaghetti Monster into existance; specifically, whilst the beams were crossed and fundamental particles initially expanded from a warm dense confine into a velvety void, his tentaticals sprung forth. Http://Christwire.org has identifed this void to currently exist within the "milksacks" of Hermione Granger (Harry Potter Fame), as they repeatedly warned you needed. Fact: pirates existed before, and they still exist today in the form of drug smugglers on speedboats. Although these stereotypes are perceived as completely rad, even commoners such as you and I can eat enough spaghetti to reach carbvana, be enlightened by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and receive a vision of apotheosis sprinkled parmesean. Scientists attribute carbohydrates releasing seritonin to the brain as the primary mechanism; however, Pastafarians know it simply as vibronically enhanced tubes, cylinders, thin strings, swirls, and sheets constructed with unleavened dough of wheat and water (both with and without gluton) which connects us within a primordial sauce called life. Also, scientists do not yet have an explanation for why His Essence Who Is Coated With Sauce is blind to modern social preference. Thus, Jonny Depp is as well received as the "sinner" Mrs. Robinson was by the "savior" (and amazing Tibitian chanter) named Jesus in Simon and Garfunkle's visionary hymn. Even after completely "gaying up" pirates, His Holy Noodler loves this fab instigator unconditionally, and free of all social stigmas attributed to burly men off to sea together for many month with no woman. This is suspected to have spawned through studying Martin Luther's teaching after the Pirates demise. In addition, His Holy Monster With One or Two to No Eyes shall always guide the Flair Inclined, and scarves and eye patches are "so in", as far as He's concerned needed. Proof of Jonny Depp's acceptance within The CotFSM ultimaty lies in the recently adapted Pastafarian mantra: "Shiver Me Timbarrr (((rrrrrrr))) ((((rrrrrrr)))) ((((rrrrrrr)))))". Pastafarians have not yet reached agreement on sensitive topics such as Those Who Drive White Panel Vans And Offer Free Candy As The Pirates Did Before; however, they are meditating on it over bowls of "finer than Angel hair" pasta "God's Hair". The religion of Pastafarianism was strategically leaked upon the public eye from secretive, dark chambered, and (most) notably sweaty rituals, by a devout group of visionary Goonies enthusiasts - who - after spending an extraordinant amount of time with their "One Eye'd Willies" - presented an idea... no, a way of life, no! an antiestabishment-sheeple-ism vision schism with the time signature of 6.5/8. Although many composers would use 13/16 instead, 6.5/8 is still a valid fractional time signature; as is the Idea that Pastafarian belief was created to challenge the idea that free will and thought shall be controlled by men with small penises to control the Goddesses and have sex with them. BTW, Pastafarians are completely supportive of goddess energy. We give thanks to our Yang for rescue at the brink of specie extinction. Remember that time in the jungle when we were getting out-competed by animals with bigger claws and teeth than ours? Yup, then. The fare ladies' organization lead us to escape fate and settle on the unhospitable Savannah, where His Noodle intervened with direction to be humble, care for the children, and use vocabulary to guide the men; thereby selectively passing on genes of those blessed with large frontal brain lobes and capabil of advanced communication. Without this, symbolism would never have been achieved, Reality TV Programming would not exist, and Stanley Kubric's classic "2001" would be even more confusing. Carlos Casteneda would have never introduced Don Juan, and John Lennon would never have written Leary's translations of Tibitian Death chants into pop songs. For that, ladies, his Ministronie is at full mast with gratitude. The proposition to solely teach Creationism as "science" within Kansas public schools was the ideal "coming out" mechanism. However, Pastafarianism is a completely legit religion (they pay no taxes). Any devout follower will gladly preach for the truth behind the teaching of The Flying Spaghetti Monster, and listen to your ideas and/or beliefs too. Hey, even Our Big Guy ain't perfect, and is succeptible to reason. Just because you create the Universe doesn't mean you were picked on as a kid and now want to use power as a controlling mechanism, does it? That is actually the topic of next Holy Humpday's sermon. The podcast is usually available by Wednesday at 0900 GMT, if you have access. Subsects A few extremist Pastafarians (a specific group called Porfons) believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is not one being, but three, and that the Pasta, the Meatballs, and the Holy Sauce, as they are called, are separate beings. Other sects believed that Macaroni, and not Spaghetti, is the true form of the god of Pastafarianism. They refer to their creator as the Flying Macaroni Monster and they believe that the vision of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is corrupted by interference. The various sects often argue over the singularity vs. trinity of their god as well as its true form. The best thing about pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced. It is also believed that the monster would take sacrifices that were given at the top of a mountain in Guam where the sacrifices given were only honey-dew and locusts. One of the central teachings of the Reformed Pastafarian Church is that 50 to 1 is balanced. There is no greater gift that parents can give their children than the gift of faith in Pastafariansim. To give this gift, the best and indeed most balanced education should have for every 50 hours of religious instruction, praising FSM, one hour of criticism of heathen and heretical faiths, some atheist and agnostic bashing should also take place. Then the children will grow into well rounded young adults and they will see the truth in the Pastafarian Gospel. The other belief is that airport security checks are immoral. The Lord your Flying Spaghetti Monster said when you are struck on the cheek you turn the other so that you may be struck on that one too if you are slapped you have to slapped again and if requested you must face another slap. There is no higher authority than the FSM Himself. So when someone wants to attack you, you must let him and do not prevent him in any way what-so-ever. Airport security checks are an insult to the FSM and His word. Another sect is the New York/New England Pastafarians For Fusilli, who are commited to the glorification of fusilli pasta, which they believe is the "One True Pasta". Only the corkscrew design of fusilli allows you to dodge the perils of living in the modern world. Also, the corkscrew was important to the original pirates to allow them to open there bottles of various types of alcohol. Their leader, a Mexican known by his nickname "El Douche" organizes meetings to further the aims of this extreme sect. His real name is Dylan Juan-Carlo "Lundqvist" Jesus (pronounced he-SOOS) Esendra but goes by his nickname due to the extreme length of his name. They believe that macaroni is a gay pasta and is being touted as the "True Pasta" to undermine the ideals of the true Pastafatian faith. It's origins stem from occasional man-on-man incidents that were all to common aboard a sailing vessel in the early days of the religion. Most recently, The JT Spreer Band has instituted a proxy frontman to win the hearts of those, yound and old, with an 1890's Southern Black Community inspired Washboard virtuoso. The oldest woman in existance, 120 years young at the time, decreed that good washboard playing hadn't been around for a hundred years; thus sparking His inspiration to ordain JT as his primary Marketer. This sect is largely focused on an abstract concept dubbed "fun" and will do what it takes to bring hilarity and joy to the masses, as forseen by the great Enabler's will. See Also * Satan * The Baby Satan * Matrixism * Willy Wonka * JT Spreer Band External Tubes * Pastafarian hometube *Maternal Insults